Well, this post is a about the part of life that a lot (and my a lot, I mean me) of people don't want to talk about.....the hard mom stuff. Now, don't get me wrong.....life is wonderful most of the time and I have more than enough to be thankful for, but why do I always paint a picture on this blog of all the good and happy times when life is not about being good and happy all the time? It can be hard - being a mom is hard. I have this need within me to always appear and be sunshiny and positive and tell me and everyone else that life will be okay. I do that because I believe that positive thinking/believing brings positive outcomes (the power of positive thinking). I am a glass half full kind of girl. BUT, it doesn't mean that I don't have struggles with self-doubt and worry - especially about my performance as a mom. At times I think I blow stuff off with the attitude that it's okay, everything will work out fine in the end but should I be so flippant about that? I know that God is in control but God gave me a duty as Elaina's mom to be her guide and her disciplinarian. Being a disciplinarian is hard for me - it does not come natural. I struggle with getting upset with anyone in life - friends, family, Erik. I have the notion to squash my feelings for the sake of not upsetting the apple cart. This carries into my parenting sometimes too....unfortunately. I always want to make excuses for her behavior and cover it up with "she's really a sweet, loving girl" and, don't get me wrong, she is.... but, all kids have their moments but that doesn't mean she can misbehave and get away with things.
I find myself saying...."I don't want to have to tell her no" or "I don't want to have to explain to her that what she did was wrong and here are her consequences" because I don't want to upset her. My people pleasing disease has taken on a life of it's own where she is concerned.
I wonder sometimes if I am cut out for this mom thing. I knew it wouldn't be easy but there are times, it's just plain old hard. It freaks me out because she is only 5. Most of you seasoned mom's out there are thinking..."oh Erin, you haven't seen anything yet" and I know that but it still gets to me. She is developing into this little girl with interests that I am not ready to handle right now. Like, Taylor Swift?? She discovered her through an older cousin of hers and while I see nothing really wrong with Taylor Swift, I think to myself..."she's not old enough to like these types of things." But, she is...She's going to develop interest that aren't baby dolls, hair bows, and pink shoes. That is the part that freaks me out. She's 5...and will be 15 before I know it. Scary. I have tried so hard to shield her with what she watches on TV and listens to on the radio - but she is ALREADY discovering this whole world of pop music and teeny bopper Disney shows that I don't know if I am ready to take on yet!
Have I done enough so far? Have I told her things she needs to know? Will I be brave enough to tell her things she needs to know in the future? I guess it all boils down to that I am freaked about this next phase of my life with a school aged/preteen/teenaged daughter. It's scares the you know what out of me. I want it to be easy and I pray it will be relatively easy in the whole grand scheme of things but will I be ready for those things that will come up? And they WILL come up. Will I be brave enough to deal with the real issues?
I don't know.......
I want to be her buddy all the time...but I know I can't
I want her to stay young...but she can't
I want to protect her from the world... but I can't forever (although I am trying my best now)
I want it to be all about the easy stuff - teaching her ride a bike, swim, swing a bat, how to love others, teaching her compassion/giving..... but life if not always about that
I don't want to have to do the hard stuff... but I will.
I realize now after prayer….I have to.
Because I owe it to her. I owe it to me. I owe it to her future spouse, friends, and children. What kind of daughter/person do I want her to be? That has to be my focus. That is hard but I am trying to remember that.
It's hard...I feel the pressure every day. Am I taking it too seriously? I don't know, probably a little. Bottom line.... It's scary. I'm scared. Scared to disappoint her. Scared to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing. Scared to fail her as her mom. I've got the "loving her" thing down - that's easy. It's the hard, tough love I've got to master. I am working on it.
That's all... just really had this on my heart and thought I would pour it out here on my blog...that's what this page is all about. Life as a mom....the good stuff.......AND the not so good stuff.
To end it on a positive note (because that is who I am)...the good stuff far outweighs the bad so I am not complaining about it at all. I am blessed beyond belief. Just expressing my feelings that it's tough sometimes. Like all mom's, I struggle with the hard parts. A quote from that movie, A League of Their Own, comes to mind..."the hard is what makes it great."
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