I have never really written a blog post like this but thought I would give
it a shot. I know there are no "rules" as to what I am allowed to
post and not post and mostly I like to post happy moments about our little girl
to document life with her. All smiles... all the time.
Well, this post is a about the part of life that a lot (and my a lot, I
mean me) of people don't want to talk about.....the hard mom stuff. Now, don't
get me wrong.....life is wonderful most of the time and I have more than enough to be thankful for, but why do I always
paint a picture on this blog of all the good and happy times when life is not
about being good and happy all the time? It can be hard - being a mom is hard.
I have this need within me to always appear and be sunshiny and positive and
tell me and everyone else that life will be okay. I do that because I believe
that positive thinking/believing brings positive outcomes (the power of
positive thinking). I am a glass half full kind of girl. BUT, it doesn't mean
that I don't have struggles with self-doubt and worry - especially about my
performance as a mom. At times I think I blow stuff off with the attitude that
it's okay, everything will work out fine in the end but should I be so flippant
about that? I know that God is in control but God gave me a duty as
Elaina's mom to be her guide and her disciplinarian. Being a disciplinarian is
hard for me - it does not come natural. I struggle with getting upset with
anyone in life - friends, family, Erik. I have the notion to squash my feelings
for the sake of not upsetting the apple cart. This carries into my parenting
sometimes too....unfortunately. I always want to make excuses for her behavior
and cover it up with "she's really a sweet, loving girl" and, don't
get me wrong, she is.... but, all kids have their moments but that doesn't mean
she can misbehave and get away with things.
I find myself saying...."I don't want to have to tell her no" or
"I don't want to have to explain to her that what she did was wrong and
here are her consequences" because I don't want to upset her. My people
pleasing disease has taken on a life of it's own where she is concerned.
I wonder sometimes if I am cut out for this mom thing. I knew it wouldn't be
easy but there are times, it's just plain old hard. It freaks me out because
she is only 5. Most of you seasoned mom's out there are thinking..."oh
Erin, you haven't seen anything yet" and I know that but it still gets to
me. She is developing into this little girl with interests that I am not ready
to handle right now. Like, Taylor Swift?? She discovered her through an older
cousin of hers and while I see nothing really wrong with Taylor Swift, I think to
myself..."she's not old enough to like these types of things." But,
she is...She's going to develop interest that aren't baby dolls, hair bows, and
pink shoes. That is the part that freaks me out. She's 5...and will be 15 before
I know it. Scary. I have tried so hard to shield her with what she watches on
TV and listens to on the radio - but she is ALREADY discovering this whole
world of pop music and teeny bopper Disney shows that I don't know if I am
ready to take on yet!
Have I done enough so far? Have I told her things she needs to know? Will I
be brave enough to tell her things she needs to know in the future? I guess it
all boils down to that I am freaked about this next phase of my life with a
school aged/preteen/teenaged daughter. It's scares the you know what out of me.
I want it to be easy and I pray it will be relatively easy in the whole grand
scheme of things but will I be ready for those things that will come up? And
they WILL come up. Will I be brave enough to deal with the real issues?
I don't know.......
I want to be her buddy all the time...but I know I can't
I want her to stay young...but she can't
I want to protect her from the world... but I can't forever (although I am
trying my best now)
I want it to be all about the easy stuff - teaching her ride a bike, swim,
swing a bat, how to love others, teaching her compassion/giving..... but life
if not always about that
I don't want to have to do the hard stuff... but I will.
I realize now after prayer….I have to.
Because I owe it to her. I owe it to me. I owe it to her future spouse,
friends, and children. What kind of daughter/person do I want her to be? That
has to be my focus. That is hard but I am trying to remember that.
It's hard...I feel the pressure every day. Am I taking it too seriously? I
don't know, probably a little. Bottom line.... It's scary. I'm scared. Scared
to disappoint her. Scared to do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing. Scared to
fail her as her mom. I've got the "loving her" thing down - that's easy.
It's the hard, tough love I've got to master. I am working on it.
That's all... just really had this on my heart and thought I would pour it
out here on my blog...that's what this page is all about. Life as a mom....the
good stuff.......AND the not so good stuff.
To end it on a positive note (because that is who I am)...the good stuff far outweighs the bad so I am not complaining about it at all. I am blessed beyond belief. Just expressing my feelings that it's tough sometimes. Like all mom's, I struggle with the hard parts. A quote from that movie, A League of Their Own, comes to mind..."the hard is what makes it great."
